"The principle of spending money to be paid by posterity, under the name of funding, is but swindling futurity on a large scale." --Thomas Jefferson

Wednesday, October 29


My name is Kirk and I am running for President. Here's my platform.
You should vote for me if.....
1. Someone else in America makes more money than you do. We'll finally do something about that.
2. You ever want to go to college. If I am not president, you will not go.
3. You need a new car. I will give you mine.
4. You have ever paid a doctor's bill you thought was too high. My health care plan eliminates doctors (or at least the good ones).
5. You think cars should run off of love. A gallon of love is cheaper than Venezuelan Gas.
6. You think all public education needs is a few more playground balls for recess.
7. You want a Persian Rug. I know the Iranian President guy will call me and I can probably swing a deal on a whole boat of them.
8. Love San Diego weather. I will start with a big cruise on Royal Caribbean to San Diego for every American. Next, I will ask my geography advisor Bill Nye, to develop a weather pattern to bless our entire country with year round bliss.
9. You want a president who understands the economy. I am currently heavily invested in whatever department store Sarah Palin shops at and Royal Caribbean.
10. You want a president that understands what it's like to be the little guy. My feet don't even touch the floor when I sit on my lazy boy.
11. Love Green lawns. I guarantee that your lawn will be greener with less watering and fertilizer with my administration than with my opponents. Has your lawn really been that green under Bush? That's what I thought.
12. Finally want a president with Yiddish ancestry. I am 50% English, 49.5% Welsh and 0.5% Yiddish. Ja wohl!
13. Are tired of neighbors with bad looking yards. The time has come people to stand up and say, "Enough! I'm an American and I'm not going to take it anymore!" My administration will conduct a nationwide initiative to eliminate crappy-looking yards through community organizing.
14. You love coupons. If I am elected president, I will send every American a membership to the "Coupon of the Month Club for America" This should also bolster our economy with in two or three months depending on the coupon.
15. Don't think immigrants should be called "Aliens"-illegal or not. That's just racist people. Every illegal immigrant will receive a Welcome-to-America Fruit Basket and citizenship within 40-50 years.
16. Don't believe Social Security is broke. We don't need to worry about older folk! With my health care initiatives, no one will live past 67.
17. Would like terrorism defeated worldwide. (Obama's plan is similar-see link)
18. Like Corn. Nothing better than corn on the cob.
19. Would like to be an Olympian. My President's Fitness Program will make sure there are no fat people among us, making us all healthier, thus eliminating the need for Medicare.
20. If you have ever been fired or turned down for a job. There's was probably some discrimination involved somewhere. Jackie Chiles will be my Attorney General. Nothing gets past this guy.
21. Finally want a conservative liberal in the White House.
My Name is Kirk and I approve this message...because I wrote it myself.


Anonymous said...

That is to the point. I am glad that somebody has spoke up. I think it will be an interesting election if we make the wrong choice. Because this time there is a good one and a bad one. Good luck. I vote Kirk all day!!!! From up north!!!

Steve said...

You make some good points, but I am curious about your criteria for selecting judges.

I know another candidate has promised to select judges who have empathy for the poor, minorities, etc (http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2007/07/17/274143.aspx).

Thus getting us past all of this nonsense about justice being blind. He know that our court systems are there for the little guy and not to rule by "facts."

Kirk said...

Sorry Steve, to have neglected such an important issue. Randy and Paula have already agreed to serve as judges. We are still in salary negotiations with Simon and his people. I think they represent America well. One is a successful black man, one is a crack-head and for diversity Simon is a brit. He would interpret the law as it reads/sounds. Of course this would also require all hearings before the Supreme Court to be sung in musical theatre style.

Carlee Hoopes said...

Hey Kirk, you got my vote. I'm going to vote today, so I'll just write you in.