"The principle of spending money to be paid by posterity, under the name of funding, is but swindling futurity on a large scale." --Thomas Jefferson

Monday, December 22

Gay Crocodiles

When Carin and I were first married, we had the bunny-ear TV set that got very limited selection in our town house. We were forced to watch a lot of public television and nature programs as these were usually the best channels for reception. We watched a nature special once about this mammoth crocodile that was killing villagers and they'd sent hunters in to find, apprehend and kill the ferocious beast. The program was well-put together and kept us in suspense for the whole two hour special. The program ended and they didn't catch the blasted crocodile! It just ended! So now, when this happens with other shows we call them crocodile shows. We watched one last night.

National Geographic has been hyping the crud out of their new "Identical Twins- In the Womb" special for like 2 months. Since we have identical twins, we recorded it and were excited to watch it because the commercials said that they had made some breakthrough discoveries and new science behind identical twins. We watched the entire hour long special hoping that there would be something ground-breaking or important said. In a nutshell, this is what national geographic proved in their hour long special.
1. When the fertilized egg is eight days old, certain cells start with a small electrical shock and then other cells also start pulsating. These cells become a beating human heart. In their words, "the organizer" tells what cells to do what. Never eluding that this is a miracle by any definition of the word with no obvious scientific explanation. The narrator constantly refers to the fetus as an organism or growing tissue.

2. They posed the age old question on whether or not people are born gay. Asking the question they admit has no scientific answer, they then base all research done with assuming people are born gay. They proceeded in using identical twins, one gay one straight to prove that it is nature that chooses the sexual preference by the amount of testosterone absorbed while in the womb. They never once even bring up the topic that it may be a case of choice. So a fetus barely a month old already has a sexual preference in the eyes of the producer of this show.

Carin and I turned to one another at the same time and realized that in the scientifically-liberal minded eyes of NATGEO, a baby was assigned it's holy gayness as a sexual preference long before it was even recognized as a human being. In what world do people live that can study such a science and see cells immediately separating, multiplying, taking on specific tasks and building the most advanced form of life on this earth and not recognize this as living human being? It is completely ironic and near sickening to me that "advanced-science" will assign a sexual preference to a "tissue" and won't even admit that it is a living human being.

I came to the conclusion that the program's sole purpose was to try to prove that people are born gay. So the program drags on and on with the same repetitive script, same slow-motion video clips of the same people while the narrator rearranges the already old and widely accepted science of twins. Nothing new at all. The program ends with a 30 second recap of everything the program took 60 minutes to tell. False advertising I say! I want that hour of my life back. It was a total crocodile show. We will now refer to it as a gay crocodile show.

Friday, December 19

Have your Pizza Delivered.....

So in honor of Friday night, snowstorms and the upcoming winter solstice celebration, we decided to get Papa Murphy's pizza tonight for dinner. We love their Gourmet Chicken Garlic. Anyway, the one beef I have with PM is even if you call in and order your pizza, you still have to stand in line with all the other hungry yah-whos to pay for your pizza. Even at 4:30 tonight the line was out the door. So while standing in line, I get to listen to a mother who should receive he annoying mother of the year award. Let me paint the picture.

Mother, 2 year old, 6 year old-standing two patrons in front of me in line. 6 year old is very excited about all the neon lights, letters and fun things to see in PM. He says things like "Hey Mom! There's a "W" like in Wagon!" She proceeds to, in a very loud voice, repeat what the 6 year old just said. "Yes your right! You are a genius! You are the smartest boy in the whole wide world!! What other letters do you see?" (as she looks around the crowded room to see who else is watching her 6 year old recite the alphabet.) This continues, thanks to a SUPER-slow cashier for 20 minutes and a minimum of 30 more letters and super loud exchanges so that everyone in the place could see that her son knew his alphabet. I'm not faulting the kid bu the mother. Now I am not sure if I have ever done this with my daughter because I know all of us think that our kids are both the cutest and the smartest but it made me aware to never even come close to the public "dog and pony-show and tell" this lady subjected all of us to. I felt like telling her I had a 3 year old that can do the same thing but I figured that would burst her pizza crust bubble, so I stayed quiet.

I told Carin and my 3 year old daughter the story when I got home and my daughter said, "Daddy, were you standing in a line?" I said,"Yes sweetheart we were in a line." She asked, was the line straight like a capital "I"? I'd put my 3 year old up against that chick's first grader any day.

The pizza was magnificent though! I'm just glad I wasn't in a restaurant eating next to this lady.

Thursday, December 18

Experience the Power of Change!

I don't know if you have heard MSNBC's new tag line for themselves but now that the election is over, they have apparently stopped trying to hide the fact that they are a cable news station that's blatantly infatuated with Obama and purely giddy about Bush leaving Washington.

A short trailer complete with flowing flags and flattering profiles of Joe Scarbourough, Chris (Obama sends a tingle up my leg) Matthews, Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow and David Gregory flashes across the screen with the announcer stating "Stay with MSNBC and experience the power of CHANGE!" I thought that at a minimum the news channels were supposed to at least say they were unbiased. They may be a little nervous about more than twice the cable news viewer getting their news from FOX because their commentators are much less abrasive and condescending. I also enjoy how much FOX news is vilified. Sure they have conservative commentators but they don't advertise the entire news network as a power of good for a certain political figure. Experience the Power of Change! Do you think they meant changing the channel or more along the lines of if I save my pocket change that I can someday afford to go to Disneyland?

Wednesday, December 17

Hippie Nose Picker

So I saw a disturbing bumper sticker today. It said in "Obama We Trust". Obviously a blatant play on "In God We Trust". So much for the argument that liberals don't see Obama as a Messianic Savior. My only solace when I passed the hippie car at a stop light, the fool was picking his nose. Fantastic.

Tuesday, December 16

Breaking News of California's New Budget Proposal for 2009

So we all know that several states are in dire need of money because they were too stupid to save any money in the past when tax revenues were high. Many have asked for emergency bailout money from the federal government and have received a sypathetic ear almost everywhere.

Today governor Patterson of New York proposed a new budget that only increased 1% over last year! Glorious Revolution!!! I'm completely out of money so I'm just increasing what I spend by 1%. In a state where everything is regulated, taxed, incentivized and ueber-liberal, there will now be 88 new fees and/or taxes for those cash-strapped New Yarkers.

Some include an "iPod tax" that charges state and local sales tax for "digitally delivered entertainment services", State sales tax at movie theaters, sporting events, taxis, buses, limousines and cable and satellite TV and radio, costlier driving with the repeal of the 8-cents-per-gallon sales tax cap on motor and diesel motor fuel, plus and increase in the auto rental tax, tuition increases at state colleges, a 50 cent tax on cigars, no more sales tax break on clothes and shoes worth $110 or less, except during two weeks a year, higher taxes on wine, beer and flavored malt beverages. He would also impose an 18% tax on non-nutritional drinks like soda. The rich would pay more for luxury items through an additional 5% tax imposed on cars costing more than $60,000, aircraft costing more than $500,000, yachts costing at least $200,000 and jewelry and furs costing in excess of $20,000. In addition, a host of a fees, including those related to motor vehicle licensing and registration, parks and auto insurance, would go up, as would various state-imposed fines. Source here.

Glorious Revolution has obtained an exclusive copy of Republiliberal Governor Arnold Scharzenegger's notes for a news conference tomorrow and I have taken the liberty of posting them here. With both of my readers, this should help get the word out.

Fellow Citizens of the Great State of California, (to be read in an Austrian accent)

The following steps will be used to help ease the pain of the state checkbook.

1. Christmas lights-They are a waste of energy and a source of marital divisiveness. Christmas is an offensive Christian holiday anyway not celebrated by most progressives in California or at least not in the Bay Area.

2. Public television-Under the current tax code, too much valuable entertainment such as "Celtic Woman" and "Riverdance" has been given away for free for too long for those willing to watch the telethon commercials.

3. Drive In's-Old fashioned hamburgers and shakes have to be double taxed. If you want to enjoy them you will be paying dearly. They fatten you first of all and second of all, if you eat in your car you will be polluting the environment. "Idling eaters" would be ticketed.

4. Mini-Vans-This is an indirect tax on large families-Specifically bigoted "Pro-8" Mormon families. They are over-populating our already stressed planet with religious children and a mini-van tax should curb their overactive libidos. At least until the economy is back on track.

5. Carpet in General-Carpet is a petroleum product and contributes to the overall demise of mankind and must have a tax levied against it to promote eco-friendly floors such as dirt and bamboo.

6. Roast Beef-regular Glorious Revolution readers already know how much pollution those darn cows make.

7. Toilet Tax-Private johns will be taxed by the flush to deter water wasters and help with recent pay increases to the local sanitation workers union. Toilet paper will be extra. Citizens are counseled to compost their own waste and use it for composting home grown salsa gardens.

8. Fruit and Vegetable Tax-for those who don't heed afore-mentioned waste composting counsel.

9. Running Water tax-civilizations did without it for thousands of years and it didn't kill them...oh wait....

10. Grass Tax-any citizen with more than 10 square feet of lawn for their dog to do it's business on will be taxed at a rate of $5 per square foot per month until the grass dies and is replaced by xero-scaping.

11. Mail tax-this has been a service provided by the federal government but we are still going to tax it. It will still be available for those who really need it.

Hey at least we're not infringing upon the rights of i-pod owners like NY!! That's ridiculous.
Scary because you know some might actually be tried!

Sunday, December 14

Kirk's "Ode to TOY" in C-Minor

If there can be something more frustrating than buying or selling a car, I would like to know about it. Today while sitting at a stop sign waiting for traffic to pass, I looked to my left where I saw a young teenage girl taking a snowy, notoriously icy corner way too fast. I grimaced as she realized she was traveling way too fast not t-bone me. Lucky for me, I only had two scout-aged boys and a young girl and a snow blower in the truck. Luckily it was a slow speed skid accident that only crumpled the drivers door leaving it entirely inoperable and left no one scarred or jarred to death. So here's my dilemma....

I had just expressed my undying love for my 1991 Toyota 4x4 to my wife this weekend for it's unrefined nature, ability to climb a tree, haul a motorcycle, act as a temporary garbage can, haul a yard of topsoil, get freakishly good gas mileage and never leave me wanting for anything a big fancy truck could offer. I love my little truck! So today, after the accident, I realize that to an insurance company, my truck is worth at most about $1500. To replace and paint a door will be at least that so now I am left at the beginning again, looking for a truck that offers everything I loved about the truck that now sits in my driveway with a driver's door that won't shut. Just when I thought the car shopping had ended.....Carin and I were about due. It has been about 7 or 8 months since we bought a new automobile. (I'd have said vehicles but we bought two motorcycles this year) So we are currently looking for vehicle number 16 of our short 5 year marriage.....blast.....

Saturday, December 13

Costco Moms

Last night, Carin and I went out to dinner and went shopping for the kids Christmas. It was very fun to have adult conversation over dinner and during he drive. It's been a while.

I have been frequenting the fine establishment of Costco and have come to a few conclusions. I have coined the phrase "Costco Mom." If someone else has coined this they have not yet trademarked it so I am claiming it as my own. Costco members are different. You never go into Costco and run into "the scary crowd" like you do at Walmart in Harrisville at midnight. Perhaps it is the lack of drug trafficking and meth labs in close proximity to Costco that tends not to draw as much riffraf.

The term Costco Mom can be used interchangeably with Escalade Mom. The nicely "done up"-I-just-dropped-by-on-my-way-home-from-the-gym (and I'm fabulous) look. Perhaps it is the yearly membership that draws a more "sophisticated" shopping crowd but there's not many other places that you could ask your wife to pick up some Brazilian mangoes, wine in a box, Tillamook cheese and while she's at it, buy a set of Michelins and a 65" plasma screen. I'm not stereotyping every mom that shops at Costco as a spoiled money-spender "Costco Mom" but I think you know what I mean-at least you should if you've ever shopped there. I personally think Costco should sponsor a Costco Mom Beauty pageant. I know I'd buy a ticket. The Costco Queen could have her picture on all the flat screens as you walk in! Oh the prestige!

I have also noticed that most everyone at Costco is quite friendly and courteous...that is until it comes to standing in line at the refreshment stand for the last churro or slice of pizza. Hunger will turn the nicest person into a ravenous wolf.

As a stark contrast to our first stop of the evening, we stopped by Shopko on 12th and Washington on our way home. Shopko is the only store that blatantly and flagrantly offends my intelligence on purpose. We were looking for a plastic storage bin. We found exactly what we needed. The only problem was the price for a small plastic container was $34.99. Lucky for us though, Shopko was having a generous 50% off sale that graciously reduced the price to $17.50 for a bin worth no more than $6.00. Thanks Shopko. I wouldn't recommend Shopko at 10 pm anyway. But, they are always having killer 50% off sales!

Please leave a comment if you are a Costco mom who has taken offense to this post.

Tuesday, December 9

No Smoking or Swearing...kids....

I swear this stuff comes pouring out of Illinois like Cub fans out of Wrigley field in the 7th inning......

I was so glad to hear that President-Elect Obama has pledged not to smoke in the White House! What a stand up guy! I sure do appreciate you not defiling a national landmark. Perhaps he'd like to explain to the school kids in DARE programs why he chooses to smoke in the first place. How about quitting Sir?

Out of work and out of gusto to go get another job, hundreds of workers at an Illinois window factory decided to sit-in until they got all their vacation time they are owed under the union contracts. Bank of America , recipient of bailout money, pulled the company's line of credit which is used for payroll. Obviously the company closed it's doors and the workers threw a tizzy. Yesterday, Illinois Governor Ron Blogovosovischischoviscijic told the union teamsters and the employees of the window company that the state of Illinois would no longer do business with the Bank of America. So now, the Bank of America gives back the line of credit to a company tha is out of business to pay the workers their vacation pay and the Bank of America will have to write off the bad debt. Hmmm. I wonder who will end up buying that bad debt from them? If you pay taxes, raise your hand.

If yesterday wasn't a big enough day for the governor, the now-shamed Illinois Governor Ron Blogovosovicishischoviscijic also gets an F for his example to little kids with his ****'n good **** language. Oh yeah and the federal corruption charges as well. Almost forgot to mention that he was selling a senate seat. Does this guy look a little like a white pastey John Travolta or what??

So in summary, Illinois leadership has taught us some important lessons this week.

1. Smoking is cool.
2. If you throw a big enough fit, opposition will cave under threats
3. If you hold public office, you can say or do any ****** thing you want

Hope you kids are listening!

Sunday, December 7

Wirth Remembering

Carin and I went down to the First Presidency Christmas Devotional tonight in Salt Lake. It was really good. The messages were excellent and the conference center amazes me every time I go there. As the entire congregation closed the meeting by singing Silent Night, I thought back on my mission where the song originated. Silent Night was written in Oberndorf Austria and holds a special place in the hearts of Austrians. So much so that it is sacrilege to sing it but on the "Holy Night" which is Dec. 24th. They take their Silent Night pretty seriously. Pictured above is the Silent Night memorial chapel in Oberndorf Austria wear Franz Gruber first played Silent Night on Dec 24, 1818.

I also thought of the wonderful man that we lost this week in Elder Wirthlin. Elder Wirthlin served in the Swiss/Austria mission as a young man and always has loved that part of the world. His daughter lives in our ward and he was in a sacrament meeting at our ward just after I received my call to Austria. He was so excited to hear of my call and spoke with me about the spiritual time it was in his life.

Eighteen months later, while serving in Innsbruck, I got word that Elder Wirthlin was coming to Salzburg for a young adult fireside. I obtained permission to take an investigator who was very close to baptism to the meeting in Salzburg. Most in the congregation spoke English and as Elder Wirthlin spoke, I started to translate for my investigator. After a few minutes he told me I didn't have to translate anymore. He could feel Elder Wirthlin's spirit and knew what he was saying was true. He sat and enjoyed Elder Wirthlin's spirit the whole meeting with tears in his eyes.

After the meeting, I took our investigator up to meet Elder Wirthlin. He saw me and recognized me as the Elder he met in North Ogden going on a mission to Vienna Austria. Mind you he was 82 at the time and probably met thousands of people at each speaking engagement. This impressed me and I wrote that night in my journal about Elder Wirthlin and the spirit he brought to the meeting. He signed a copy of our investigator's Book of Mormon. It became a treasure for this man and his family who thereafter became the first family to be baptized in Innsbruck in 20+ years.
I hold a special place in my heart for Elder Wirthlin. He will be missed. I won't soon forget him.

Friday, December 5

Ribeye Anyone?

The Environmental Protection Agency has proposed a new fee on dairy and cattle farmers. They would be subject to a fee of $175 per dairy cow, $87.50 for beef cattle and $20 for each pig. This would add $30,000 to $40,000 of expense to the average cattle business. You might ask yourself why. Cows and pigs emit too many toxic gasses from their rumps that harm the environment. If the nutjobs vegetarians at the EPA/Sierra Club/PETA can come up with this laughable proposal, I think we might be able to report and fine some friends and relatives after Thanksgiving dinners. Yet another source of revenue for government! Let's use these fees to work on cloning gasless cows. Who could we tax for the wild buffalo and mustang herds? Just because you don't eat meat people......I seriously am laughing out loud as I write this! You just might see an added charge next time you go out for Mexican.

Blanca Rosalis of El Paso, TX is asking for someone to take her 9 year old daughter from her. You see she has to work graveyard shifts just to get by and only gets to spend an hour with her daughter each day. On the news tonight, she was quoted as saying, "It's just come to where I need my job more than I need my child." Excuse me? Now she gets to blame the economy right? Or Bush....that excuse is only good for another 7 weeks. I'm hoping she would rephrase this statement if asked. Poor little girl....I hope mom didn't record that news story to play back for her daughter in 20 years. Warm Fuzzies all over!

O.J. Simpson got his day in court today. Sentenced to up to 33 years in prison. The judge made it clear to him that his sentence was for the act of armed robbery and not because we all know he got off Scott-free for murder in 1995. However, the family of Ron Goldman made a statement today that thanks to them O.J. is finally in jail. They claim if they hadn't continuously sought after the $34 Million settlement in the wrongful death suit, O.J. wouldn't have been so desperate. So for all of you that wished O.J. had gotten his the first time around, the Goldman's want you to know that it just wouldn't have been possible without them. In prison I'm sure he'll just tell everyone that "the Goldmans made me do it".

As a final funny occurrence of the day I drove to work today next to a company work truck. The name of the business was "Erection and Fabrication". I'm assuming it to be some type of scaffolding company or something. However, I was disappointed that there was no tag line under that reading "Two things we men excel at".

A Letter to My Bank

Dear Sirs,

In light of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me. If one of my checks is returned marked "insufficient funds," how do I know whether that refers to me or to you?


Wednesday, December 3

Merry Christmas My Overly Sensitive Atheist Friend

Merry Christmas Everyone! It is December so I guess it's okay to say now. I'm usually not one to listen to Christmas music before December let alone before Thanksgiving dishes have been done. Lately there have been several instances in the news in which the phrase "Merry Christmas" has been the hot topic of debate.

Senator Chris Buttars, known for his old-man racially-insensitive vocabulary is having a non-binding resolution drafted for the 2009 legislature in which he asks retailers "not to exclude Christmas from their holiday greetings." He claims that employees of a local company complained to him regarding their company's policy of not being able to say "Merry Christmas" to their patrons.

Here's my take...I'm obviously of the persuasion that we started as and are largely still a Christian Nation in which we celebrate Christmas as the birth of God's Son on earth. It is not a Winter Solstice celebration, nor is it a "Valentine's Day" holiday created by the greeting card companies. (Although retailers have certainly capitalized on America's hunger for a heaping portion of Mammon) This is a holiday that means something to the majority of Americans in which they celebrate the birth and life of their Savior. Just because I might offend someone who signs on as an atheist does not mean I don't have the right to say it. I am a proponent of freedom of speech and don't believe that a Christian's freedom of speech is less valuable than the rights of an atheist. This is however unfortunately the way our "judges" seem to interpret the law. How ironic when Atheists sue for the “separation of church and state” and then demand that the courts uphold their “belief” that there is no god. If someone wished me a happy Hanukkah, I would be honored-not offended. Nor am I offended when someone wishes me Happy Holidays.

A second almost unbelievable story here.

That being said, I have never understood the purpose of our legislatures passing a "non-binding resolution." In essence it is a suggestion to send a "message." Senator Buttars is surely well-intentioned in his bringing to light something that is already in the noon-day sun. In our current economic state and the socially progressive-programmed state of our State/Country, why do we need to spend both taxpayer money and legislature's time in "sending a message" to people who have obviously already made the conscious decision to ignore the Christian meaning of Christmas. Such political disorientation and detours from his real purpose as a senator cause me to pause and reflect why he was elected in the first place. If he is going to propose legislation, he should try doing something that will actually become a law that will solve the state's problems, not poke the already angry dog. Such legislation, however well-intentioned only widens the gap between those who identify themselves as Atheists and Christians.

Isn't the spirit of Christmas to bring people together and show Christlike love to one another for at least a few days out of the year? For someone belonging to a political party that claims that it stands for smaller government and less governmental interference in the lives of Americans, he sure has a funny way of showing it.

Merry Christmas Everyone....

Tuesday, December 2

Are you Picking Your Nose Right Now? Be honest....

I'm blessed with a nice view of the sunset from my office window. I overlook 22nd Street and Kiesel Avenue in Ogden. I have a nice bird's eye view of the Children's Treehouse Museum. It has become apparent to me that people behave much differently when they think no one is looking. I get to see the kids come and go on the school bus and many people walk the sidewalk but this is not the most exciting part of the day.

Mothers often lose their cool with their kids right outside the door after being so nice while "in public"

People often pick their nose/butts after looking around to make sure no one is looking before getting in their cars.

Frustration abounds when they try opening the doors before the Treehouse opens at 10 am.

Mothers get defensive with each other when someone tries crowding the line.

Even more frustration when they try with all their might to pull the doors open. After trying both doors and stomping their feet that the place is locked, someone else comes and pushes them open. Eureka!

Ogden City has a police officer whose sole job is to enforce the 2 hour parking on Kiesel Ave. I don't know what he does between his rounds but he has got to use an entire piece of tire chalk a day marking people's tires. I guess it's good to know that there's a traffic cop presence in inner-city Ogden taking care of the city's real problem-2.5 hour parkers!

In case you're wondering, I do work while at work.....my windows are just so big! And people are so weird.......

I may be demented for enjoying this stuff but you have to admit that it makes you wonder what these people do in private.